On Tutu’s Whiteness Tax

August 21st, 2011 | by | new season

Aug
21

Earlier this month, respected South African anti-apartheid activist, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, appears to have proposed a tax on white South Africans with the aim of claiming reparations for the apartheid era.

I have to say that this news struck me like a slap in the face, having been an admirer of “The Bish” for decades. On the surface of it, there is so much that is wrong and unfair about this suggestion that it seems completely incongruous with Tutu’s existing record of moderation and forgiveness. On that basis alone, it is well worth re-examining his statements carefully.

The first thing one notices is that he didn’t explicitly call for a tax on white people. He called for a wealth tax, and then directly addressed the white South Africans in the room. Everybody seems to have interpreted this as a suggestion of a tax on being white and, to some degree, Tutu seems to have run with this interpretation.

It seems to me that Tutu has noticed what I have noticed, and what any South African with the ability to observe their environment will notice. White people, on average, are many times more wealthy than black people. Despite my initial very negative reaction, I have to concede that I agree with him. In fact, the Archbishop seems to have found a very clever way to mount a political podium that is very dear to me and from which, at times, I myself presume to speak.

However, as this debate charges through the national consciousness, one important line needs to be drawn and defended. While a wealth tax is acceptable, a whiteness tax is not. A tax that is based on the colour of one’s skin must not be tolerated. There are practical and philosophical reasons for this.

South Africa has already implemented a Black Economic Empowerment policy that exists specifically to redress the wrongs of apartheid. White job seekers find themselves excluded from consideration for certain jobs as a matter of course and white-owned companies are automatically excluded from many lucrative tender projects. With this already in place, the suggestion of a whiteness tax does raise the question of how many times white South Africans will be asked to make reparations for the wrongs of the past.

The South African democracy is now about seventeen years old. People born on the day of the first democratic elections are now approaching adulthood and many of them will already have started their first jobs and registered to be taxed. South Africans up to about 40 years of age would never have voted in a non-democratic election and many of the white South Africans of this age contributed meaningfully to the closing days of the struggle. Massive numbers of whites that supported apartheid have emigrated to other countries and many immigrants of European descent have made their homes in our country in the intervening years. The colour of one’s skin bears no relation to whether or not an individual has benefited from apartheid.

Oh Desmond! You are such a comfort.

Here is an interesting case in point: A certain Archbishop Desmond Tutu was appointed Bishop of Johannesburg in 1985 and elevated to the Archbishopric of Cape Town the following year, remaining in this post until 1996. During his tenure in Cape Town, he dwelt quietly in an ex officio residence in the wealthy white suburb of Bishop’s Court. Having already established credentials as a leading anti-apartheid activist, he contributed significantly and selflessly to the revolution from this comfortable environment, quite unlike Nelson Mandela, who was languishing in a nearby prison. With his ecclesiastical credentials affording him the luxury of contact with the press and international travel, he rapidly acquired an international reputation that has earned him a Nobel Peace Prize and a recent mention on Top Gear. To date, he has authored or co-authored 33 books and, even in retirement, remains a household name throughout the world.

It is, quite honestly, difficult to name any other South African who has benefitted as much from apartheid, when taking into account the difference between his adult lifestyle and his exceedingly humble birth. Admittedly, The Bish made his own luck by working tirelessly, being exceptionally brave in the face of oppression and being a canny politician who, in the midst of the struggle, had the insight and ability to build a bridge between the people he was defending and the youthful generation of the oppressors. All of this would have been pointless, and most of it impossible, without the vehicle of apartheid.

In my mind there is no doubt that Desmond Tutu knows this. He also knows that South African taxation works on a sliding scale in which the the wealthy, including the disproportionally wealthy whites, already pay a larger proportion of their income to the government.

What Tutu is actually suggesting is hidden in the fine print. He wants an additional contribution paid by wealthy South Africans to be administered as a separate fund that is explicitly earmarked for the upliftment of poor South Africans so that it cannot be spent on silly submarines and tender kickbacks. Can a sane South African oppose this suggestion? Well, they can, but only on the grounds of objecting to paying more tax. Is our tax likely to increase in the next few years anyway? Most definitely. Tutu’s suggestion would simply ensure that the additional tax revenue was more likely to be spent where it is needed.

The Bish has forged his career with cleverly contentious statements that force us to re-examine the status quo. In so doing he has become the lovable grandfather of all South Africans excepting, perhaps, the irredeemably right-wing ones. No matter how shocking his initial tax suggestions seemed, they are no different from the suggestions that he has always made. His recent clarification that calls for wealthy South Africans to establish a voluntary fund to support poor South Africans makes even more sense than the levying of a tax. “Tax” is always a four-letter word. A voluntary contribution to nation building is something that I would definitely consider.

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On Fracking the Karoo

August 7th, 2011 | by | new season

Aug
07

South Africa has recently seen a tide of negative sentiment about Shell extracting natural gas from the Karoo. People are justifiably very concerned about the environmental impact of this extraction. Personally, I love the Karoo and would hate to see it ruined by Big Oil but, as is usually the case when the Green Hysteria takes hold, all is not what it seems.

First, lets take some time to understand what “fracking” is. As it turns out, it is a term that has been mangled by the environmental lobby. Within the oil industry, “fracing,” without the emotive extra k, is a contraction of “hydraulic fracturing“. It seems that when you drill a deep hole to extract natural gas, you eventually hit a small pocket of gas that is separated from other small pockets by sheets of rock. From this small pocket, the gas dribbles out of the well in a manner that is not really impressive or economically useful. What you do to solve this problem is pump a vast amount of water into the well at very high pressure. This causes the rock sheets to crack, or fracture. Sand or ceramic particles are often pumped down with the water as these help to keep the resulting cracks open. Sometimes, small amounts of chemicals are added to allow the water to penetrate certain kinds of soil or rock more readily. Once this has been done, the gas squirts out of the well in a most satisfactory and profitable manner.

Some years back, a chap named Josh Fox made a documentary movie called Gasland, in which he documented the environmental degradation of areas of the United States due to natural gas extraction. He blamed “fracking” for all of the trouble. Now everybody hates fracing.

The problem with this is that fracing turns out to be harmless.

Yeah. Fracing turns out to be harmless. The problem is not the fracing, but the act of drilling for natural gas in the first place. This involves serious environmental risks if wells are not constructed properly. Considerable pollution is also produced when the natural gas is extracted and purified on the surface. These downsides have almost nothing to do with fracing itself.

Why do you think that the environmentalists have lied to us again? Well, most of environmentalism seems to be based on marketing. Telling people that drilling for gas is bad is nowhere nearly as effective as telling them that fracking is bad. Most people have seen boreholes being drilled without the sky falling, so they are unlikely to experience any real alarm about gas wells. Fracking, however, is something most people didn’t know anything about until 2010. It is new, mysterious and in the hands of The Corporations! It is easy to make something like that seem like a really bad idea. Also, “frak” is used as an expletive in the excellent Battlestar Galactica series, which makes it possible to construct such pithy slogans as, “What the frack?”, “No fracking way” and “Don’t frack with our future!”

Starbuck and Starbuck at Starbucks: this isn't their fracking problem!

Now, when actual scientific studies prove that fracing is harmless, environmentalists become outraged. They assert that the oil industry is guilty of linguistic trickery by using “fracing” to refer to the process of pumping high pressure water into gas wells. They proclaim that “fracking” means the entire process of drilling for gas. It doesn’t. It is a specific term with a fixed meaning that has been turned into a marketing vehicle for environmentalism. When caught in their lie, they redefine it to cover everything that they oppose.

I find that really sad. The danger here is that the oil companies will actually give in and say, “Oh, OK. We won’t frack.” Then they will go ahead and unleash the full ambit of environmental damage on the Karoo without accountability or any way of stopping them. If this happens, it will be the fault of the environmentalists who chose to defend their marketing slogan rather than our actual environment.

Compare the Greenpeace article about fracing to the others I have posted here. It is emotive, seemingly inaccurate and contains no references to actual evidence that fracing is bad. Greenpeace makes its money by publishing documents like that, and that money funds a life of adventure for the Greenpeace activists that has very little, if any, direct contribution to saving our environment. Truly, we are in the grip of Big Enviro.

Saving the Karoo is really important to me. So is the economic survival of South Africa. I really hope that, if it is economically viable to extract natural gas from the Karoo, it is done in a way that is environmentally unassailable and that the area is left in pristine condition.

If you want to ensure this, you need to educate yourself properly about the risks, the rewards and the actual process that will be used. This isn’t something you are going to get from Greenpeace or by going on marches.

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On the Unpleasant Events in Norway

July 24th, 2011 | by | new season

Jul
24

Two days ago, a gentleman in Norway blew up a government building and then shot a large number of people at a youth camp that was hosting an event organised by the ruling political party. The final death toll was in the region of 90. I am sure that I speak for everyone who reads this when I say that our thoughts and sympathies are with the Norwegian people in these dark and tragic days.

In the initial news reports, journalistic speculation naturally lead to discussions of Islamic fundamentalism. After all, we have been conditioned for a decade to believe that when something is blowing up, shadowy Arab people cannot be far away. Within hours, however, Norwegian police notified the world that the suspect taken into custody, one Anders Behring Breivik, was a Christian fundamentalist.

Collectively, right-wing political pundits all over the Western world had the same thought: Awkward!

To me, this poses an interesting question. Is this person’s faith relevant to his outrageous deed? Harris and Klebold were avid computer gamers. The media made a meal of this at the time but it turned out to be irrelevant to those attacks. Should we regard the Norwegian tragedy as another evil deed facilitated by religion?

Without hearing from the suspect himself, it is impossible to be sure. However, in general terms, I believe the answer is both “yes” and “no”.

If I were asked whether his Christian fundamentalism caused the massacre, I would have to go with “No.” It is grossly unfair to the overwhelming majority of peaceful Christians out there to declare their faith responsible for this evil deed. Unfortunately, the politically convenient precedent of blaming Islam for the acts of a violent minority of Islamists has already been set, so I suspect that some Christian groups will experience unpleasant consequences as a result of these events. In reality, however, millions of people all over the world believe in Jesus without going on insane, murderous rampages. Even if Breivik himself tells the court that the voice of John the Baptist in his head told him to do it, I would still not blame his Christianity. Even for an atheist, it is too easy – too convenient – to blame religion without knowing all of the facts.

I believe that Breivik is just crazy. He killed all these people because he is crazy, and my opinion is that he was a Christian fundamentalist because he is crazy. There is a part of his faith that lead directly to his deeds but that has nothing to do with Christians. It is his Religionist Fundamentalism that is to blame.

Surprising and illogical things

Religions, in general, require people to believe surprising and illogical things. I think that the vast majority of religious people choose to believe a watered down version of their faith in which they ignore some of the logical problems and fill the resultant gaps in with their own theology, more appropriate to their daily lives. Then you get the Litteralists, a small minority that interprets the tennets of their faith literally while being fully aware of the fact that they seem illogical. These people often spend a lot of time in study groups, grappling to reconcile their faith with their daily lives. Finally, you get a small group within the Litteralists who are the dangerous True Believers. These people respond to the contradiction between faith and daily life by turning off their logical filters and believing wholeheartedly in whatever their scriptures and their religious leaders tell them.

Therein lies the problem. Once you have crossed the line of turning off your logic and personal accountability for your beliefs and actions, it is a simple matter to do it again. Put another way, “Once you go whack, you can’t go back.” Antisocial viewpoints relating to religion, politics or, as seems to be the case with Breivik, a mixture of the two can express themselves with no behavioural filter because you have disengaged your sense of responsibility for your own actions and vested it in a Higher Power, or a Greater Good.

Just like in the far less tragic example of noted Religionist, Stephen Jay Gould and his Heads, it is easy, if not inevitable, to express your personal convictions in an irrational and subconscious way when, in fact, you should be expressing something else.

Then you get what we had last week.

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On South Africa

July 16th, 2011 | by | new season

Jul
16

I am always disappointed by the reaction of my peers when I express my genuine political views. Unlike most white South Africans, I do not support the Democratic Alliance. Other white South Africans react to this news with shock and, on the occasions when I am not faced with angry outrage, any political discussions are abruptly terminated. We South Africans do discuss politics at the dinner table these days, but only when everyone present is in agreement.

By contrast, most black voters I know are inclined to the African National Congress camp. This implies a racial polarisation in South African politics that is confirmed by the numbers. Compare our most recent census data with the results of our most recent election.

The conclusion is inescapable. White people are very likely vote for the DA, which has a white leader and fields a large proportion of white candidates. Black people are very likely to vote for the ANC, which has a black leader and fields a very large proportion of black candidates.

It is only in the other racial groups, making up 12.4% of our population, that the ANC and the DA really have anything to play for. The only exception is Northern KwaZulu-Natal, where the amaZulu tend to vote for the IFP and the amaXhosa tend to vote for the ANC.

I believe that the only explanation for this is that we are still racists. If true, this is disturbing and infuriating. It implies that, seventeen years after Freedom, we still have no real political discourse in our country and that our political landscape, rather than being shaped by the issues of the day, is shaped by an accident of genetics as arbitrary as the distinction between two sports teams.

Still racists

This, too, is born out by daily experience. We don’t actually have any meaningful political discourse but rather alternating rounds of increasingly hysterical recriminations about matters that don’t really have much to do with the running of the country.

In South Africa, different population groups get completely different views of our political reality. Township dwellings are being upgraded in their tens of thousands from shacks to government-built RDP houses. One hundred and twenty-one billion Rand has been allocated to this in the 2011 budget. White people don’t see this because houses are already nice in white areas. One hundred and eighty-nine billion Rand has been allocated to education in the 2011 budget. White people don’t see this because the schools in white areas are already good.

Yes, there are problems in South Africa and some things are not going as well as they should be. Some political dissonance is inevitable in a democratic society and it should be welcomed. When this political dissonance happens along rigidly defined racial lines, however, something is badly wrong. It means that we are not mixing. We are not sharing experiences. We are simply not reading each others’ news.

Last night I attended a comedy show in which the performer observed that “The Rainbow Nation” is a perfect name for South Africa. Just like in a rainbow, our colours are rigidly compartmentalised and easily distinguished from one another at a great distance.

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Huberta, the Untold Story

April 9th, 2011 | by | old season

Apr
09

Perhaps every child that grows up in the Border region of the Eastern Cape hears, at some point, about Huberta the Hippo. In short, she was a hippo that wondered into the Eastern Cape from Natal at some point in about 1930, and was shot by some people near King William’s Town.

When I heard that the author of this book was addressing the Cape Town Historical Society, I was excited. I didn’t know that she was an author and that a book would be on sale. I expected a staid, academic address on the subject of Huberta.

I am not sure that is what I got. I’m pretty sure that what I did get was quite a hard sell for a book written by the granddaughter of one of the men that shot Huberta. The speech didn’t cover any ground that isn’t part of the book so, with the context explained, let us proceed to the business of the review.

This is a very strange, even jarring book. It doesn’t read like a work of historical importance but more like a novelisation of the events that lead up to the death of poor Huberta. The book is filled with fictional descriptions of the feelings of people involved in the story. A good example of this is the following passage.

“Aletta looked at her drab, black dress, her dark hair and colourless face. She knew that it was expected of her to mourn the loss of her father and child for a year. She mourned in her heart. As a family they always wore black, as if they were mourning for life. She stood dead still for a moment; only her eyes moved left and right. Then she clenched her lips together and a frown came over her face. All of a sudden she heard a voice in her head saying, ‘Change Aletta, change!’”

I’ve read popularised history of this tone before, and I didn’t particularly enjoy it. However, this book is problematic for several other reasons too. Some of the chapters seem out of sequence. The book concludes with some quotations on the subject of hope, which feels like it was compiled with a single Google search and no thought of relevance to the subject.

In general, therefore, this book wasn’t really the sort of thing that I enjoy. Nevertheless, there is a place on bookshelves for popularised, accesible versions of historical events. In that context, the book isn’t too bad. I am sure that many people will enjoy the vivid drama of the story that is told, but I fear that these people will not be serious students of history.

Despite my criticism, this book does contain some interesting information and, as such, I am glad that I picked up a copy. The historical photographs are fascinating and, in a way that is appropriate to her audience, the author did intensive research to make the story come alive. I feel, though, that this research was focussed on her family to the exclusion of hippos, the other major players in the saga. In fact, the first question posed to her after her address was an enquiry about how long these creatures generally live. She openly admitted that she had no idea.

My copy of the book came with a free DVD, which was provided as a gift to attendees of the presentation. It was also kindly and graciously autographed by the author. My impression of her was that she is a proud lady in the twilight of her life, eager to express the other side of a story that has tormented her family for generations.

The problem, and the thing that I must admit that I found vaguely offensive, was the fact that her story points out at every opportunity that Huberta was, after all, just an animal. Perhaps, from the perspective of an Eastern Cape farming family of the 1930s, this is to be expected. In today’s world of animal rights, conservation and cross-species empathy, it is incongruous. The argument that her antecedents committed a crime out of ignorance holds more water, and might actually have been a legal defence under current South African precedent. As she herself admits, though, seeing an unusual animal on your farm and simply gunning it down is not morally defensible – if that is indeed what happened.

Personally, I continue to mourn Huberta and see her death as a tragic act of savagery. This view has been ingrained into me since childhood, just as the author’s view of events has been ingrained into her. It is interesting that we could meet at a gathering and discuss our memories and experiences of the Eastern Cape as we did, and this speaks of a certain reconciliation of ideas and opinions for which she, herself, expresses a longing. However, if she expects absolution of her ancestors from the many people who have known the Huberta story from childhood, she is unlikely to receive it.

It is never merited to hold the crimes of fathers against their children but, in some way, when the children speak out in mitigation of the crimes of their fathers, they might make themselves culpable after the fact. Perhaps true reconciliation lies in the acceptance of the past, and its objective telling, rather than an emotional defence of past wrongs. Perhaps what we are seeing here is not reconciliation but therapy, for a family that has unfairly been haunted by the crimes of their fathers for seventy years. In the latter context, the author succeeds in bringing to life the emotions and the state of mind of people who have existed as ghosts, tormenting the living. Perhaps now, with their story told and their emotions expressed by proxy, they can finally find an honourable and peaceful rest.

Author: Jean Marx-Engelbrecht | Publisher: Reach Publishers | ISBN: 9780620463331 | Edition: 2010 | Pages: 158

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Thank you Kyknoord!

December 17th, 2010 | by | old season

Dec
17

If you turn your eye to my sidebar, you will notice that I now proudly display a Silver Endorsement from the Church of Cayennetology.

By way of thanks, I have taken the time to generate this carefully constructed acceptance statement using the excellent tool over at Atom.com:

Thank you so much. But really, it’s just an honor to be nominated alongside so many other mediocre bloggers. I want to thank my agent, who stuck with me after I was found fraking that toaster. I better stop now before I say something distrubing. Thank you, and KAAAAAAHHHHN!!

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Epic Rickroll

December 12th, 2010 | by | old season

Dec
12

After a long delay, I have finally found the time to set up my AV system again. Various parts have been on a long odyssey of being loaned to people and, in some cases, standing unused for a few months since they were returned.

One component of my system is an Apple TV. I think this is an awesome piece of equipment, although it is one of those things that you actually need to own before you understand how useful it is. I use mine primarily as means to store my music, which I can then play through the rest of my AV system independently of my MacBook. As long as iTunes syncs with Apple TV, everything is good.

It has been a while since I fired the old Apple TV up and I found that there was a significant software update for the device, which I installed. While I was playing with the new software, I noticed the Internet Radio menu and decided to see how well that worked.

The first channel that I selected was ABC Stars 80s, and the song that they happened to be playing when I turned it on was Rick Astley’s Never Goinna to Give You Up. Well done Apple! I have been rickrolled most impressively. Its nice to know that someone still cares. ;-)

For the rest of you, click here to find out why you really should have an Apple TV. It really is a great piece of gear.

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Advent Calendars

November 30th, 2010 | by | old season

Nov
30

Once again the time of year for fah-la-las and goodwill to all men rolls around, and our shops fill up with cheaply produced shiny wonderment. This December, andrewdotcoza will be trying to confine the month’s posts to a Christmassy theme, since he has little else to amuse himself during the grinding festivities of the bah-humbug festival.

I find that one important aspect of faux merriment is the procurement of an advent calendar. Being the last day of November, it is imperative for readers to obtain this article today or tomorrow. The pleasure of being able to end each day with a mellifluously bitter and cheaply moulded blob of cooking chocolate is the perfect build-up to the crushing loneliness of Christmas Day itself. Remember, advent calendars start on 1 December, so equip yourself now!

My local Spar has several to choose from. Here are my favourites. Click for a full sized image.

Notice that the really Christmassy advent calendar costs a mere R18, while the excellent Ben 10 Alien Force advent calendar comes in at R32, more than 50% more. For little girls, who might enjoy Ben 10 less than I do, there is a Barbie advent calendar produced by the same manufacturer.

From German protestants to Ben 10, the significance of Christmas surely does live on! Next year we do Kwanzaa.

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Think About the Children!

November 25th, 2010 | by | old season

Nov
25

The South African Internet has been abuzz in the last few days about a chat service called Outoilet*. It seems that the site was one of those dark underbelly things – a place where people slandered each other, hooked up with each other, and shared naked pictures of each other.

So it was just like the normal Internet, really.

Well, it seemed so until someone realised that these “people” were, in fact, school children. The site even provided chat rooms that were conveniently named for the schools they served. Implicitly, a great deal of the users of the site are assumed to have been underaged and, also implicitly, the exchanges that were going on fell foul of South African child abuse laws.

Really, this is cause for very serious concern.

Yesterday, however, it was announced in the press that the site had been blocked by both major South African mobile network operators, Vodacom and MTN. This is a result of a campaign initiated by World Wide Worx, the South African technology polling company headed by Arthur Goldstuck. Arthur, always well meaning and immaculately coiffed, tells of his heroic role in the saga here. He also provides a great informational piece here.

I am sure that Arthur and his fellow cadres acted with the noblest of intentions. Nevertheless, I have a serious problem with what they have done, and it isn’t just because I don’t like other people deciding what I can and cannot see. I have a problem with their reactionary vigilantism that has prevented the investigation and prosecution of the sexual predators from whom they are trying to protect children.

Censorship, in my opinion, should be the last resort under any circumstances. Of all the objectionable things that happened on Outoilet, there are none against which there isn’t already a law. People seem to feel that when something happens online, it is bigger, scarier and more malefic than when it happens in any other forum. That, plainly, is bullshit.

Arthur cites bullying as one of the evils from which South African children are constitutionally protected. I wish that this protection existed when I was at school. I would have been a much happier child. However, when I consider the question of whether I would rather have people saying nasty things about me on the Internet or beating me to crap for no reason (and no, I don’t want to be friends with you on Facebook you psychopathic asshole), I’d take the online nastiness any day. Kids are nasty little bastards to each other at the best of times, and their ability to collude even against their own best interests makes it impossible to protect them from emotional bullying in any medium. The best you can hope to do is keep them physically safe from each other.

Far more serious are the allegations that children were sexually abused as a result of using the site. Well, closing Outoilet down doesn’t make these predators go away. Closing the site down doesn’t stop children from sharing pornography or horrific recordings of schoolyard rapes. Closing the site down just drives these disturbing things deeper underground, and makes it even harder to stop them.

I am deeply saddened by two aspects of the Outoilet saga.

Firstly, Outoilet was simply a window through which we got to glimpse a small part of a great social evil. The hurtful and illegal things that were written there were not a result of the Internet, or the availability of the site itself, but the result of this social evil. The window has been closed but the victims of Outoilet, and victims they are, are no better off. Whether online or not, they are still being victimised, bullied, preyed upon and humiliated by the same people. I hope that Arthur spares a thought for them while patting himself on the back.

Secondly, the police and related organisations seem to have been powerless to investigate the site and its users. If sexual predators leave their phone number on a site, it should be possible to trace them. It doesn’t seem like anyone even tried. I suspect that this is because our police force has their hands full with conventional crime, and lacks training in online crime to an extent that makes the Internet seem as remote and magical as Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

As computer professionals, perhaps we should be offering our services to the police force, and providing the training that is necessary to protect our children in circumstances like this. Perhaps we should be doing this pro bono, thereby doing something real to protect our children and bring those who prey upon them to book.

The alternative, censorship, chills my very soul. This isn’t an Internet problem. This is a people problem. A group of self-appointed, private individuals have just held a lynching. They have taken down someone’s Web business because they didn’t like what the users of the site were doing. That is like arresting the CEO of Chrysler because someone used a C300 as a getaway car in a bank robbery. Aside from that, their actions are indistinguishable from vigilantism, which is offensive and illegal in itself.

There is no heroism in removing a social problem from public view. Real heroism involves being the instrument of lasting social change. Perhaps, when all of the self promotion and mutual appreciation is over, the members of this lynch mob will consider contributing some of their gains to counselling programs in schools, and training in online investigation for the police. Leave a comment if there is anything that I can do to help.

*: For those not familiar with the Afrikaans tongue, “ou toilet” means “old toilet”. This site seems to have been an attempt to replicate the time honoured tradition of scrawling libelous, abusive and dirty messages on the walls of old toilet buildings, of which most people at my school were victims at one time or another. In fact, the stuff that appeared on Outoilet seems to have been exactly the same as the stuff that appeared on our toilet walls, except for the single consideration that modern, digitised media beats the old analogue Bic pen scrawls for lifelike veracity. Also, putting this social construct online has eliminated the need for the mysterious lunatic who had the job of pissing on the floor every day.

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The Original Power Balance

November 15th, 2010 | by | old season

Nov
15

On Friday, I received an unsolicited E-mail advertising something called the “Original Power Balance” for only R110. This is what it looks like:

The E-mail continues as follows:

WHAT IS POWER BALANCE

Power Balance is Performance Technology designed to work with your body’s natural energy field. Founded by athletes, Power Balance is a favourite among elite athletes for whom balance, strength and flexibility are important.

HOW DOES IT WORK

Power Balance is based on the idea of optimizing the body’s natural energy flow, similar to concepts behind many Eastern philosophies. The hologram in Power Balance is designed to resonate with and respond to the natural energy field of the body. ONLY R110 PER BAND

Oh, OK. The omission of question marks is not my own, and I feel that it would be unsporting of me to draw your attention to it. Some fruit hangs too low.

Some fruit is just at the right height, however, so I’d be interested in finding answers to the following questions.

  1. Does strapping an updated What Would Jesus Do to your wrist really help you play games more adeptly? What about a regular What Would Jesus Do? What about a rubber band? Have any comparative studies been done and, if so, by whom?
  2. Which Eastern Philosophies are similar to the idea upon which Power Balance is based? Are these actual East Asian philosophies, or just East Rand philosophies? Achieving success through putting a gaudy bracelet around your wrist seems pretty East Rand to me!
  3. You do know that holograms don’t have any special powers, don’t you? Even the new age philosophers who use the term aren’t saying that holding a handy hologram will optimise your energy flow. They are, instead, advancing the theory that the universe is holographic in nature. They are not advancing the theory that the universe is a hologram, which it cannot be by definition, or that holograms themselves are magic in any way.

I’m not discouraging you, Dear Reader, from believing in or purchasing Power Balance products at all. What I would like to do, however, is point that that of all of the talismanic health products I have ever encountered, this one should be the most easily testable. If this product works, there should be reams of scientific papers containing the results of double blind tests indicating that the Power Balance causes you to hit balls further, run faster, jump higher, punch with more force and decrease your lap time. If these results existed, there would be no doubt. Every athlete, every pedestrian walking through a dangerous neighbourhood and, for that matter, every mugger would have one.

If you can’t find these scientific results, then its a fair bet to say that the Power Balance doesn’t work. Do not be fooled by anecdotal evidence. How can you spot anecdotal evidence? Read this.

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