Responsible People

In the wake of the large number of "vehicle insurance for women" ads that I have encountered recently, I was pleased to find this in my Facebook ad bar this morning:

Other responsible please? What... like other men?

In my country, we call this thing "food".

A few months ago, the mail pixies delivered to me an advertisement for a miraculous product. A veritable panacea for all 21st century ills, it can help you with anything.

The product becomes even more amazing when you read the other side of the leaflet.

Amazing! However, nowhere does it actually tell you what this product is. Even if you visit the Web site you won't be any the wiser. All you with find is some very suspicious before and after photos and a form so that you can provide your contact details.

That raises a huge red flag for me. You see, Big Pharma has built a billion dollar industry on the principle of developing cures of maladies, and then telling you all about them through advertising. Karl tells you nothing. If all of these claims of nutritional miracles were replaced by claims of night-time performance improvements, with no other details of the nature of the proffered product, would you even consider calling Karl? No? Well, I hope you wouldn't consider calling Karl at all until gave you at least a hint of the medical foundation of his wares.

Until then, here is some advice for free: If you are fat, eat less fried chicken. If you are thin, eat more fried chicken. If you are happy with what you weigh, drive through and keep doing whatever you are doing. Uncomfortable? Well, get a better chair.

More Christmas Wierdness

While on the subject of strange Christmas merchandise, here is something I found a year ago during the run-up to Christmas '07:

Why does the Xplore Arctic Mammoth Discovery Playset include a frikkin kangaroo?

Lullabies - Creepier than Clowns

Far be it from me to tell people how to bring up their infant children. I must freely admit that never having spawned myself, it's difficult for me to understand the levels of illogic that new parents can descend to in the face of chronic sleep deprivation and a detailed understanding of the digestion of lactose.

I do know some stuff about music, though, and also a bit about logic. I believe, therefore, that I can say for certain that you should not buy this for your kids:

You see, I found this in Musica, South Africa's favourite CD and DVD monopoly. They didn't have any Manu Chao or Mazzy Star, but they had this. They had more too!

In fact, there is an entire catalogue of these things that you can see here. Evidently, this line of products have won several awards and become quite popular among new parents.

My problem is that I cannot understand why anyone would buy this. I've listened to some of the sample tracks on the Web site and they are downright creepy. While there are certainly some nice tunes in popular music, the artists covered in this line include Metallica, Radiohead, Nirvana, Nine Inch Names (including the track Closer), The Ramones and AC/DC. Also, Tool. That's right. Tool. The bind that brought out an album called Ænima that includes a track named Hooker with a Penis.

There are three possible reasons that I can see for buying these CDs:

1. You are a young parent that is an avid U2 fan. You decide to buy Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of U2 in an attempt to instil a love of your favourite band in your child. You have forgotten that you didn't rock up at school on your thirteenth birthday with a tape in your new walkman that contained the theme tune from Noddy, or a complete recording of Sparky and the Magic Piano. I'm guessing that you had a bit of The Cure, perhaps some Ultavox, and some Sigue Sigue Sputnik. You have also not asked yourself the question of whether or not you will like U2 after you have spent hours listening to it being mangled by the Bhuddist Iraq Veteran's Xylophone Band of South Tennessee. Fail!

2. You are an older parent who feels their youth slipping away. You desperately want to do something to appear hip and progressive, and perhaps encourage someone to sleep with you - even your spouse. You are an idiot. Fail!

3. You are a single thirty-something that has been invited for Christmas dinner by one of your married couple friends. You desperately cast around for a gift of their new "arrival". You realise that there will be no heavy drinking, no prospect of encountering interesting new people that might sleep with you, and no waking up in another city on the 27th in someone else's clothes. Deprived if your normal Christmas festivities, you are smitten by a bolt of fear. Perhaps you will land up like them on day. Perhaps you secretly want to land up like them, and fear that you will be left behind to grow old and die alone. The dichotomy paralyses you. You stare aimlessly at the shelves until, suddenly, you see it. The gift that says it all, puts the "U" in the four-letter explative and ensures that if your buddy can't enjoy Led Zepplin while getting wasted with you anymore, he won't enjoy Led Zepplin ever! Like a drunk uncle arriving at a childrens birthday party, you defiantly present the wee sprog with the gift, secure in the knowledge that it won't be an item of contention in the divorce that happens in a few years time. Win? No. Dignity fail!

Unless, of course, you are willing to take that extra step, to embrace the giving of a gift that stacks lameness upon lameness - the gift that you know has no purpose other than gifting itself, the true embodiment of the 21st century Spirit of Chirstmas, that which was presented to the infant Jesus by the forth wise man that nobody likes to talk about. Mysterious, pointless, and Lucifer's own contribution of the festive season. Behold! The sound track of Hell itself!

Lekker Zef Komper!

A few days ago, I found this in the window of my local computer shop, Computers @ Bayside.

The product was an ATI Radeon X1300 Pro graphics accelerator. Unfortunately it proved really difficult to take a good picture through the glass, so I didn't get a good shot of the whole box. However, without doubt, that sticker says, "Lekker 3 Years Warranty."

The local importer of the Taiwanese Gigabyte range of products is Rectron, and they have a pretty close relationship with the manufacturer, so it is possible that this is part of some kind of custom packaging for South Africa. It could, however, have been applied by Rectron, or by Computers @ Bayside. Whatever the origins, it's a very cool find!

Not just for Africans anymore

DawgM, frequent commentator on this blog, kindly supplied me with the following advertisement for an African herbalist. Dawg lives in the UK, and picked this up outside the tube station in Tooting. Word!

Awesome Birthday

My birthday was on Saturday, and I really had one of the most awesome days that I can remember.

First, an old friend invited me to a gentle bunch that he organised for his extended family and I thus got to spend some time, and share some cake, with my favourite kids in the whole world. Thanks dude and dudette, it was really great to spend some of the day with you.

From there, I progressed to the more organised drinks party at the Lagoon Beach Wang Thai restaurant. They did a great job of hosting us, even calling before hand to adjust the arrangements based on their first-hand knowledge of the weather at their breathtaking venue. Even a minor logistic problem as we stayed longer into the evening than they had anticipated was resolved quickly and quietly. I would definitely recommend this restaurant for all occasions.

I really appreciated all the friends that arrived. I'm used to Cape Town people treating any event that happens on a nice day as if it were a very loose and optional arrangement. I was humbled by the number of you that turned up. It was great to see all of you, and especially nice to see so many different groups of people I know mixing so well. Aside from the great, thoughtful presents, the convivial company that you guys provided was the coolest birthday gift one could hope for.

Special thanks to the Canadian delegation. It was wonderful to have you guys there. The young lady who turned up after going AWOL from my friendship circle for 18 months also put a smile on my face, and Indiana Jane and Kyknoord deserve a free plug for the blogs.

Lest anyone that reads this feels that they didn't make the cut, let me explain that I organised very little. I returned from an unexpected trip to Johannesburg very shortly before my birthday and only had time to invite people by word of mouth. This makes the turnout all the more heartwarming. If you didn't know about the event, it just means that my viral advertising didn't reach you, and certainly not that I didn't want you to come.

To the special friends that dragged me off to the Table View house party afterwards, affectionate thanks as always. I know I didn't stay long, but your warm welcome of me and so many other people whom you had never met before speaks volumes about why you are my friends. I hear that you finished the night on a vigorously high note. :-)

I ended my day by taking my Southern Suburbs ladies to Pakalolo, the gateway to hell situated on the Table View beach front. We were welcomed graciously by the ever-gorgeous bar lady, and I was thrilled to be able to introduce some friends to the place that seems to be my local, for better or worse. I learned today that "Pakalolo" is an Hawaiian word for marijuana. While there was certainly none of that for us, I retied sober but relaxed after a most enjoyable day.

Finally, I have received good wishes from all over the country, and from Scotland, India, England, the USA, Ireland and Australia. I appreciate every one, although I have not even started to respond yet. You will each hear from me in the fullness of time, but know that my appreciation is deep. My friends certainly know how to make someone feel like a king for a day.

Satan's own pot plant

Two years back I was showing my new residence off to Kyknoord. He spied a smallish plant in my garden in erupted in dire warnings about The One True Evil and something about taking over the world, given half a chance.

Yeah, whatever....

Unfortunately he was right.

I've just spent three hours beating this bastard plant down. It had contrived to send roots out through the holes in the bottom of its pot and then tip the pot over. From there, it had taken over an area of flowerbed equivalent to the average Cape Town garden. I have enough pieces of it to fill two wheelie bins.

If you see this plant, kill it immediately, before it takes its pernicious hold.


If you know what it is called, please leave a comment. I now have to go and dump the bits that I couldn't fit into the wheelie bin over the garden walls of my enemies.

Interesting Observations

It's a funny thing. There are people that humour me and actually make a comment on every blog entry I post. I appreciate them because they make the effort to appear interested, and I hope that one day I will reward them by having something consequential to say.

Nobody commented on my last post. Nobody even mentioned it in conversation. It was like the post never existed. I have pondered the possible reasons for this, and I think it is because one of the signs that I photographed and posted mentioned the Hajj.

This really took me by surprise. The people I know are, in general, rational atheists. I've never known them to avoid the discussion of a religious topic, nor to quail at the thought of offending anyone. Moreover, I've never known any of them to avoid commenting on something as awesome as the Pick 'n Pay service desk sign.

I do believe that I understand, though. You see, when anything Islamic is mentioned in the same breath as anything humorous, people become uncomfortable. For the record, I would like to diffuse this discomfort.

I would never mock the Hajj. The striking thing about the sign I posted was, to me, the unaccustomed lightness with which it dealt with a subject that is usually shrouded in mystery and awe. I was further fascinated to think that, aside from its profound religious significance, the Hajj serves as a sort of "meet 'n greet" for the Islamic world, bringing together different people and different ideas from all around the world that would perhaps never meet under any other circumstance. The Hajj is one of the aspects of Islam that must inevitably give it strength and unity.

While I may not subscribe to Islam, or even respect it, I would never mock it. When offensive pictures of its significant figures are published on the Internet, I will not be the culprit. When Islam is derided and its followers described as deluded, the words will spill from neither my pen, nor my keyboard. When some event causes religious tensions to overflow and blood to run in the streets, it shall not be by my hand. I make it a policy to treat Islam with a disengaged respect.

Because I am scared to do otherwise.

Signage Awards

Andrewdotcoza would like to acknowledge those who work tirelessly to create the signs by which we are directed and protected in our every day lives. Among these people are some who sprout well honed clarity that we, all too often, don't even notice in our diurnal scurrying. Then there are those special individuals will be recognised today.

In the It Is What It Is category, we recognise the following sign and the person that ensured it is the first thing you see when you walk out of domestic arrivals at O. R. Tambo International Aiport in Johannesburg:


In the Shafting The Customer category, the far-and-away winner is Pick 'n Pay, for their new in-store design for the service desk, of all things:


Finally, in the International Symbol of WTF? category, the following travellator warning, also from O. R. Tambo International Airport, wins the day: